I Hate The Rain
by SpyMiss
Summary: "The rain isn't something bad" Feli insisted. "When you think about it, it's the rain that makes everything grow and stay fresh." What do you do when feeling left behind, a consciousness full of regret and sorrow and a heart heavy with a broken promise not to cry? Lovino had never thought he would be dealing with the loss of his brother at the age of 18. R-T for language and death


**You may view this fic. as you want, but my intensions were not Itacest but rather deep brotherly love between twins.**

* * *

I don't mind, no I don't mind, I don't mind the rain  
The simple things and subtleties they always stay the same.  
I don't mind, that I don't mind, no I don't mind the rain  
Like a widow's heart  
We fall apart  
But never fade away.

- "_Rain" by Hollywood Undead._

...

**I Hate The Rain.**

Lovino slowly buttoned up the last buttons on his black dress shirt and put on the matching colour blazer, letting the jacket stay open. The clothes felt stiff and rough against his skin. He wasn't used to this kind of formal outfit, but it was his mother who had laid it out and he had just dressed himself without making a fuss. He didn't have the energy for that.

"It's time," his father called from the car.

Mother stood before the full size mirror in the hallway, fumbling with an earring before walking out to him. He stopped before the mirror as well, glancing at his reflection. Hazel eyes stared back at him. They seemed to have changed since _then. _They'd become dull and darker, like a cloud had blocked the light in them. Not that they ever really had any glow. His brothers' eyes had shone. They would reflect any kind of emotion so honestly and clearly, that he was the reason Lovino believed in the saying that the eyes are the windows to the soul.

Even though he knew his eyes had never shone the way Feli's did, he still frowned at his tedious reflection. His face was pale, almost gray and the bags under his eyes darker from all those sleepless nights. He had cried a lot this week. But only when no one else was looking. He knew that if they saw, they would try to comfort him and all he wanted, was to be left alone. And really, most of the comfort would be fake anyway. He knew, what people whispered behind his back. Tsk.

Those bastards...  
They weren't very discreet.

Some would pity him; how terrible it must be to lose your twin brother. Others would pity his parents for losing the sunray in their life. Now they were stuck with the good-for-nothing teen. The boy with a foul mouth and a permanent scowl on his face.

Lovino's reflection frowned back at him and he felt like sneering at it, but the sound of the car horn indicated that his parents where growing impatient. One last look in the mirror, as he unsuccessfully tried to tuck that weird curl behind his ear, before walking out the door.

* * *

He could feel his father's eyes on him in the rear-view mirror.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Fine"

_How do you think I'm feeling?..._

"Fine," he repeated, fixing his eyes on the road again.

A heavy silence stretched for a while, until:

"We are all sad, you know. And... " His father cleared his throat, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly. His mother placed a gentle hand on her husband's arm. Lovino was grateful that he hadn't tried to continue the conversation. Neither he nor his father was very good with words. Besides, he knew how everybody felt about the situation. In just one week, both his parents had come to look ten years older. Lovino couldn't stand being at home, so often he would flee. But it was hard to run, when so many things reminded him of happier days. He knew he should have been there for his parents, helping them, talking to them, cried with them. But... He just couldn't. Comforting and making people feel better had been Feli's job. He leaned his head against the cold window and stared blankly out of it as the landscape kept whooshing by.

_The sun was dazzling and felt warm against the skin._

_"Come on Lovi, you can do this! You just have to believe a bit more in yourself!" His brothers' high pitched voice reached his ears. "Go on. See? It's not so hard. "_

_Carefully and very slowly Lovino tried to move down the road. He did not trust his feet when on roller skates. He knew from an experience a few minutes ago, that pavement indeed was hard and it hurt like hell to face-plant it. Feli flew gracefully - but way to close- past him. _

_"Merda! Watch it Feli! Not all of us are born to skate!" he shouted after his brother. The younger of the twins just laughed and made a pirouette. His laughter tickled Lovino's ears, easing his scowl and even tucked his lips upwards a bit. Damn that brat and his infectious happy spirit. Bet his laughter could make a Goth shit rainbows._

_It had been such a long time ago, since he last had been on roller skates. Mostly because his left knee wouldn't let him, after he injured it badly during a football match last month. Mother would throw a fit if she knew what they were doing right now. She would probably find out anyway. Especially if the bump coming on on his forehead was as big as it felt. It wasn't like Feli to be the one to break the rules, but his younger twin had thought him a bit too gloomy that morning and wanted to cheer him up. And as Lovino didn't felt like eating pasta, this was the only other thing Feli could come up with. Idiot. How would almost dying on skates help him?! _

_..._

_But he had been right. It _was _nice being out in the sun and as always, being with Feli lifted his spirit._

_"You are slooow Lovi~. We won't be home until midnight if we keep this pace. And I don't want to miss out on dinner," he whined circling the older brother once, before skating backwards slowly, so he could still face Lovino._

_Scratch that. It was _almost_ always nice being with Feliciano. _

_"Shut it! It's your fault for dragging me out on these!" Lovino said irritated and flipped him off angrily... Which was a mistake. The movement had been too rash and sent him off balance. His eyes widened as he fell backwards, but before his ass made contact with the ground Feli was there, and pulled him back on his feet. Lovino could feel how his heartbeat had quickened from the shock and clung onto Feliciano's arm for a moment. Accidenti, that was close! _

_"Ehm… let's take a break?" he more stated than asked. Feliciano just nodded and smiled as he offered his hand, knowing Lovino was still shaken. Silently he took his younger twin's hand and let him steer them towards a bench by a bus stop on the old and rarely used road. They sat there in silence for a bit, taking in the surroundings - nothing much, besides fields and a few trees. The village their grandpa lived in was small. Besides spending time with the old man, Lovino didn't really like being in the countryside. It was a bit too quiet for his taste. Feli obviously loved it, otherwise he wouldn't have pestered their parents to take a break from the busy family-owned restaurant to go visit the place. Lovino eyed his twin from the corner of his eye. The other had his eyes closed and inhaled deeply the clean air. When he opened them again, he caught Lovino looking at him. He scooted closer and smiled up at the frowning twin._

_"Do you know what Lovi~?" _

_He shook his head. _

_"_ _Ti voglio molto bene!__" Feli said and threw his arms around him in a crushing hug._

_"Get off me! I can't...breath. Feli!"_

_"But don't you love me as well?" the other asked with a pout on his face and he pulled away slightly._

_"Tsk, don't be silly," Lovino answered, trying to get up from the bench, but failed with the skates still on his feet. Instead he crossed his arms with a huff._

_"Don't you?" Feli kept pressing, his eyes looking up at him. They had a very pleading and cute look to them. Damn it. Lovino tore his gaze away from his brother and said something under his breath._

_"Huh~ what?"_

_"I said of course I love you! Stop making me say such stupid things and then having to repeat them!" Lovino yelled at him, making the smaller twin jump._

_"Wha-. Really?! I'm so glad!" Feli was about to glomp him again, but stopped mid-movement, probably remembering how he had almost choked his brother before. Instead Feli leaned towards him and kissed him on the cheek._

_"Thank you fratello," he whispered instead. _

_"Yeah whatever," Lovino just huffed. But as Feliciano rose from the bench and offered his hand to Lovino he was still smiling._

_"Fratelli per sempre?" _

_Lovino let a small smile form on his lips as he took his dear twins hand._

_"Yeah," he answered. "Brothers forever."_

"Lovino, dear. Someone is talking to you. Please pay attention." His mother placed a hand on his shoulder, trying to get his attention.

"Huh?" was the clever answer he gave her. A stranger was standing in front of him, clearly the one who had asked him about something, but he had been too far away in thoughts to realize what the man had said. He hadn't even realized they had arrived at the church and walked in. The place was crowded with people, all here to pay their respects. All in black.

Feli hadn't liked the colour black... "Too depressing," he would've said.

"You were twins, right?" the man standing with them repeated.

"Oh. Yeah," Lovino answered dull. He was not even looking at the man.

"I'm sorry signore," he heard his mother say. "He has been like this ever since..."

Lovino tuned out the rest as his eyes found the brown casket. It was raised a bit from the floor and drowned in flowers - Peace Lilies and Roses mostly.

The Peace Lily.

Feliciano's favourite flower.

The casket lid was up. Lovino couldn't see him from here. But he knew he was in there. Looking like he was sleeping, they said. Slowly Lovino made his way through the crowd. No one was looking at him. He was always like a shadow compared to Feliciano, and people would only pay attention to him, if he shouted or cursed. But for the first time in his life, he was grateful for being the shadow. Like one, he silently crept closer to the coffin.

Feliciano lay with his hands folded on his chest - holding onto a single Lily. He looked nice and at peace.

They lied.

It didn't look like he was a sleep.

Liars.

Had he only been asleep, his mouth would have been open and he would lie in some random position.

Lovino smiled bitterly as his heart broke even more at the thought, his throat dry and hands clenching the polished wood.

Fucking liars.

Had he only been asleep he wouldn't be in that fancy outfit or have a fucking flower in his hands. Feliciano was clearly de...

Lovino stopped himself before thinking the thought to an end. He simply couldn't say it yet - much less think it. His knees felt weak, and his head spun - making him feel sick. He leaned against the casket a bit for support. Being this close to his twin again made his head go weird. Lovino could hear him. His brother's voice echoes in his head. His laughter, his cries, his whispers and sighs.

"Lovino, are you alright?"

He didn't answer, but tried to get control over his thoughts.

"The priest is going speak now. Come and sit with your mother and I."

Lovino let himself get pulled down to sit between his parents and the priest began the sermon.

"As you all know, our dear Feliciano Vargas only reached 18 years before passing away... "

* * *

Throughout the ceremony Lovino just stared blankly into nothing. He only half listened to what the priest was saying. His mind kept focusing on the sniffles and low whimpers around him. Feliciano was... Feliciano _had_ truly been loved by everyone, and it made Lovino's whole body ache. He was grateful when the choir started singing and drowned out the sobs. The notes where beautiful and melancholic, and the Italian boy had to close his eyes when tears threatened to leave them. Not now. He'd promised not to. He tried to make the heavenly sounds wash his mind blank, but his thoughts would forever swirl around his brother. Opening his eyes again, Lovino looked at the casket, wishing every moment that this was just a bad dream. That he would soon wake up to the soft snoring Feli would make in his sleep. When visiting grandpa they would share the bed in the guestroom and Feli would have stolen all the covers again.

...

How Lovino wished he could wake up from this nightmare.

People around him began to stand up and he was guided towards the casket. When they closed the lid, he felt a slight panic spread through his body. It was too soon.

They couldn't do that yet!

No..

NO!

Feliciano wouldn't like the dark! He would cry! Don't make him cry!

But no sound came from the casket, not even after it was closed. And now there was nothing Lovino could do. He just stared at coffin, until he was asked to get behind it. He wasn't going to help his father and grandpa among others carrying it, as his mother still fussed over his knee. The knee never seemed to be alright after that football game six years ago. Instead he would lead the way for the rest of the guest, by walking right behind it with his mum. Outside it had begun raining and Lovino could feel the fat cold drops find their way inside his collar, as they walked towards the open grave.

Even the sky was crying.

The grave was deep and he watched as the opening swallowed the coffin. It was raining harder now and Lovino was soaked to the bone. But his body had gone numb. Not from the cold weather, but from the cold that spread inside him, consuming his heart. Once again he drowned himself in memories.

_Drops of water ran down the window._

_"I hate the rain." He said and turned his gaze away from the gloomy weather to look at the ceiling instead._

_"Really? I think it is quite nice~" _

_He looked at Feliciano, who sat by the desk in their room, doodling away weird stuff on his assignments. _

_"How can you like something so wet and cold?" Lovino asked him, shivering just by the thought of being outside in this weather. He sat up in his bed, grabbed a comic from the nightstand and flipped through it lazily. Feli hummed as he thought of an answer, pencil on his lower lip and legs swinging back and forth._

_"Well I don't like the rain. It makes me think of cold and dead thing, like in those movies Alfred lend us." Feli grimaced at that, and a visible shiver ran through them both._

_"Ugh, don't say that Lovi~! That is not how I want to picture the rain," the younger twin whined. Lovino just snickered. _

_"The rain isn't something bad," Feli insisted. "When you think about it, it's the rain that makes everything grow and stay fresh."_

_"Hmph, guess you could say that. But it is still fucking cold."_

_Time went by and all you could hear was the rain against the window, the ticking of the clock on the wall and Feli's happy humming. Then he stopped and turned the chair so he was facing Lovino. _

_"What do you think happens, when you die?"_

_"Well, who is it now talking about dead cold things?"_

_"Stop it Lovi!" _

_Lovino looked up and closed his comic._

_"You are serious? Ehm, I dunno? I guess it's nice to think that you go to another world or something. But that's not really going to happen. I think you just rot in your coffin." Feliciano pulled a disgusted face._

_"Ugh, that's not a very peaceful view of death."_

_Lovino just shrugged. What was with the deep questions today? All Feli normally cared for was pasta, drawing and more pasta._

_"Well, what do you think?"_

_"I hope to get reborn. I want to be reborn as a cat and live in Greece."_

_"Where the hell did that come from?"_

_"Then I could lie in the sun aaall~ day and sleep."_

_Lovino threw a pillow at him. "Idiot. Get real."_

_Suddenly the younger twin gasped and wrapped his arms around his stomach._

_"Cut the crap Feli, I didn't even throw it hard." But Feliciano kept clenching his stomach, his eyes shut tightly and tears forming in the corners of them. Something wasn't right. Lovino jumped off the bed and knelt in front of his brother. He took his face in his hands._

_"Hey Feli. What is wrong? Are you alright? Feli? Speak to me fratello."_

_Feliciano opened his eyes and wiped the tears away._

_"Don't worry. I'm alright. I've just had some weird stomach aches lately. It might be something I ate," he said with a weak laugh. That was definitely possible, but Lovino was still worried so he got up and pulled his brother over to his bed._

_"Lay down and I'll go down and tell mother." _

_Feliciano did lay down, but he grabbed a hold of Lovino's shirt to stop him. _

_"No, no need to worry her. I'll be fine soon, if you're here."_

_Lovino was about to protest but the look Feli gave him, made him give in._

_"Stupid, don't just eat recklessly. I don't have time to take care of you." Nevertheless he lay down besides Feli, who scooted even closer - clinging to his shirt. Lovino rubbed his twin's back in circles, knowing it would calm him. He probably shouldn't be worried._

He wished he hadn't concluded that at the time. He wished he had told their parents. He wished he had made Feliciano go and see a doctor. There were so many things, Lovino wished he had done differently.

"Feli-Feliciano had many big dreams. He truly knew how to dream about the future. H-he was a good boy a-and he made so many people smile every day." Lovino looked at his dad, as the man struggled to keep his voice steady and the tears under control. A failed mission for most of the gathering. It was really pouring down now, hammering against the many umbrellas. Soaking wet and with his bangs sticking to his forehead, Lovino closed his eyes. He imagined how the gathering would look from above and he found his own face in the crowd. A stone face with empty eyes.

_This is how it's gotta feel like, having one of those 'out of body'-experiences. I have to tell Feli about it, he would find it fascinating. _

Lovino snapped his eyes back open and lowered his gaze to the ground, his fists clenched. He tried not to cry. He had sworn he was done crying! He had made a promise to Feli not to cry!

Damn it!  
Damn it all!

He tried to fight both the tears and his mind as it brought back the painful memories.

_Beep.. beep.. beep...beep.._

_The sound was annoying yet necessary.  
Everything in this place was annoying but necessary._

_The room was white and sterile clean and it smelled like medicine and rubber. The respirator by the bed hummed and a weak wheeze told him that Feli was still alive, but asleep. Lovi looked at his twin's face from the chair by the hospital bed. It had changed so much in such a short time. He was so pale that his skin was almost transparent and his lips where chapped. He had become hollow-eyed and cold-sweat made his bangs stick to his forehead. Even that one random curl hung low. This was so far from the lively and bubbly brother Lovino knew. _

_Every day he came to visit Feliciano, but most of the time his twin would be asleep. Lovino should sleep too, but he didn't want to miss out on any opportunity he could be with the other. He leaned back in the chair and rubbed his eyes. It had been less than five months since they had found out that Feliciano had kidney cancer and by that time, it was already too late. The cancer had already spread to other organs. All the doctors could do was to keep him alive for as long as possible. Everyone was in shock. How could something this evil happen to someone this good?_

_"Lovi. You came~"_

_Lovino jumped and removed his hands from his face._

_"Idiot, what is that supposed to mean? I come here every day," Lovino said back, but there was no bite to his voice and he took his brothers cold hand in his. Feliciano smiled weakly before saying:_

_"What were you thinking about? You looked worried." _

_Lovino felt like yelling, 'of course I am worried! Do you have any idea of, what this is doing to me?!', but instead he lied._

_"Nah I'm fine. I know you are going to make it." Everybody knew that Feliciano survival was close to one in a million. A weird giggle went through Feli before he said;_

_"I'm not stupid. I know I'm going to die."_

_Lovino's whole body jerked at the sound of the bold statement. _

_"Do you know how I know?" He made a sign for Lovino to come closer, before he whispered in his ear;_

_"When it isn't that pretty nurse taking care of me, I pretend to be asleep and I overheard them speak about it." He grinned proudly at himself and the elder twin smiled weakly, tears forming in his eyes. For a moment Lovino got back his brother as he knew him. But only for a moment. The laugh turned into a cough and Lovino rushed to help his brother sit up a bit. When the coughing settled again, Feliciano reached towards his brothers' face._

_"Don't be sad dear fratello. Don't cry. Please. Promise me." _

_Lovino knew he couldn't keep the promise. He knew he would bawl his eyes out whenever Feli died. Still, he nodded weakly and tried to blink the tears away. Suddenly Feliciano's breathing became weird, as if he struggled to breath even with the respirator, and the beeping sound ran amok. _

_"Feli..Feli! My God, no-no-NO! Not yet! S-someone help!" His voice broke._

_Lovino was pulled away and doctors and nurses surrounded the bed. He was pressed against the wall as orders were been shouted. Slowly he slid to the floor, his trembling hands coming up to run through his hair as a scream broke from his lips. Then everything turned dark._

Everything was dark. The sky, the people, the grave, his soul. The scream could still be heard throughout the churchyard. Reviewing the past so damn clearly, without his body reacting had been impossible. The lid of the coffin was slippery under his fingers. Lovino's fists hammered against the wood while he screamed, tears streaming down his face.

"HE IS NOT DEAD! LET HIM OUT! HE IS NOT DEAD! FELI! SHOW THEM YOU ARE STILL HERE. NOO! LET ME GO!"

Someone tried to pull him up from the grave and away from Feliciano. No! They were not allowed to do that. They couldn't remove him from his twin! Lovino kept screaming out for his brother, while trying to fight of the arms around him. He failed to keep them away and he felt himself being pulled up. Someone hugged him and tried to calm him down, but he pushed them away. How dared they to shush on him! How dared they keeping him from the only person he truly loved?

Lovino threw himself towards the grave again, but they were prepared now and caught him. Someone started dragging him off towards the car park. Tears messed with his vision and he could no longer see the grave. Right before all anger and strength left him, he cried out his brother's name one last time.

* * *

Translations:

_Merdi = Shit._

___Accidenti = Milder version of shit/damn_

_Ti voglio molto bene = I love you very much_

_Fratello: brother_

___Fratelli per sempre = brothers forever_


End file.
